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You're a ninja and you know what that means. Ninjas are always playing tricks on people. So here are a few helpful hints on how to escape trouble when you get found out:
- Blame it on Brad, the lesser ninja over in human resources. You're far too sneaky to get found out
- Keeping shouting at security, "I no speak English, only Japanese"
- Use your skills in deception and disguise to impersonate a company manager and have the report dropped
- Entertain the police with your amazing powers of persuasion
- Sneak into the building in the middle of the night and makes all records of complaints "disappear"
- Cling to the ceiling so that no one can find you
- Start an office wide disturbance by setting off the smoke alarms with your smoke bombs so they have to deal with a bigger problem first
- Challenge your boss to a duel, double or nothing. If you win he forgives you, if you lose, you quit
- Quote the part of The Art of War that talks about how to cause trouble to practice your recovery skills
- Explain that you were testing the company security measures, which failed miserably
- Quickly transfer to another department because it was time for a promotion anyway
- Use those 2 weeks of vacation time you were saving up to attend a martial arts retreat
- Bring throwing star cookies for everyone in the office to build goodwill
- Load your cubicle with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toys. Any would be harasser will be immediately absorbed in them and unable to say anything other than "I loved those things when I was a kid"
- Invite everyone over for sake and sushi
- Mix some sleeping powder in with your ninja crackers so that everyone becomes very very sleepy
- Juggle katanas as an amusing diversion
- Scuff it off and say "Jeez don't you know that ninjas always do that"
- Queue your theme music and then enter the arena *cough* I mean office, followed by an army of your minions *cough* coworkers
- Deliver an apology for your failure straight out of an 11th century ninja's mouth before requesting to cut off a finger as ritual punishment
- Send an email to CareerNinja asking for help
CareerNinja.com is intended to be a business resource for stable-minded individuals who make productive contributions to the workplace. Sometimes though, it can go too far and produce a real ninja. If any of the following traits apply to you, please consider seeking the help of a qualified mental health professional:
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- three weeks after your hire a no mask policy was added to the dress code
- human resources refers to you as "The Enigma"
- you use throwing stars as thumbtacks
- the vending machine shakes and spits out a Snickers every time it sees you coming
- you use smoke breaks for smoke bombs
- you sign your name in origami characters
- you've ever wondered who'd win in a fight - Jacky Chan or Henry Ford
- your innate skills in stealth are compromising your attendance record
- your manager is growing tired of reminding you that his name is "Bob, not 'Master'"
- you quit your previous job because they wouldn't let you bring your swords to work
- you spend more time pondering how you could disappear under your desk during an attack than actually working
- you cut Bill from accounting's birthday cake with a katana
- you won't bathe because someone could sneak up on you in the shower
- you're the grandmaster of your own martial art
- half your paycheck goes to replacing your shurikens
- even your family doesn't know your real name
- you bring home-brewed sake to the company BBQ
- your coworkers get your attention by shouting Bonzai!
- you get to your desk by fire escape
- no one has ever seen you arrive, but you're never late
- you're angry at Phillip for revealing "your secrets"
- the firewall blocks askaninja just for you
- you're considering transferring to a new employer who appreciates your "talents"
- you ask for you paycheck in gold so they won't know where your lair is
- when they inquire with your previous employer, your records are mysteriously missing
- you can kick the copier back into line, literally
- you surround your cubicle with webcams so you can see "them" coming
- your favorite bluff is a three foot piece of steel
- you slice TPS reports in half
- you got your degree from the Shaolin Temple
- you are the company shredder
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